You’ll swear on a stack of Maxims that she’s the one.
We both know she’s not. She is just another one. It amazes me that some men still see their workplace as a convenient hunting ground for their next conquest. They enter the office like a deer hunter creeping into a meadow, rifle cocked and ready, just waiting for an unsuspecting doe to stumble onto their path, oblivious of her impending doom. In the post #metoo era, didn’t you learn anything? Why are men still pursuing the women they work with?
You may think of sexual harassment as the classic “quid pro quo” or unwelcomed physical touching and yes, if you engage in that behavior, you will most certainly lose your job. But it’s not just the obvious and egregious forms of predatory behavior that can negatively impact your career. Simply asking a female coworker out on a date can be risky.
If she says “yes” and you do go out on a date, then what? Maybe the date goes perfectly, and you are now in an office romance. While consensual, it is still fraught with peril. When it’s good, it’s really good, but when it’s over, it’s awful. Excruciatingly awkward -for you AND her. And if the date goes bad, that’s a whole different level of awkward. Depending upon the infractions committed (yes, it will always be your fault -real or imagined), she’s going to tell everyone about her disasterous date with you. Congratulations. Now you’ve been labeled.
“Cheapskate” – “Oh my god, we just went to coffee, he ordered his own drink and paid for it, and I was on my own. Like, you can’t buy me a coffee?” “Narcissist” – “He brought a photo album of himself! No, I’m not kidding.” “Creep” – “He wanted to know where I lived. He kept telling me I smelled pretty.” Of all the labels you can get at the office, “Creep” is by far the worst. It is the stain that never washes off. Once you own that label, it owns you. Women will be hesitant to work with you, or for you. You are the office pariah.
Of all the labels you can get at the office, “Creep” is by far the worst. It is the stain that never washes off.
This is if she says “yes.” What if she says “no”? How will that feel? Assuming you take the first “no” as the final answer, you will always be the rejected one. Passing her in the hallway, deep down you are confronted with the reality that she does not want you. You are not good enough. We have all felt the sting of rejection; why go through that at work? Wouldn’t it be better to work in the hopeful unknown than the soul-crushing reality of rejection?
If you fail to take the first “no” as the final answer, and you continue to ask her out, you are guilty of harassment. Whether in a legal courtroom or the court of public opinion, incessantly pestering a woman to go out with you is disgraceful. And don’t think that changing the activity, will change her mind. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go ice fishing, she doesn’t want to go ice fishing with YOU. It’s not the event, it’s most definitely you.
When I was just starting out in my career, I had moved to a new city and knew very few people. I was an introvert and kept to myself. I kept my head down and tried to work hard and make a good impression. I wanted to be taken seriously and build a solid professional foundation. It was in this first year of my professional career that I was hunted by a man we’ll call “Jim” since that was his name. Although Jim worked on a different floor and in a different department, my job duties sometimes required me to interface with people on his floor. Jim was a little older than me but still closer to me in age than most of the men in the office. I think he somehow thought this opened a window for him. “You’re single, I’m single, we’re young.”
The first time Jim asked me out, I came up with a quick and clever excuse. “I’m super busy this weekend, still unpacking.” And yes, maybe I should have been more direct and told him I wasn’t interested or didn’t want to date anyone in the workplace. I was too young to be that brave, and yet I somehow knew enough about the fragility of the male ego to fib. I chose to be kind and gentle. If I had the chance to go back and do it again, I just might do the same. I have learned that when some men get their feelings hurt, they will make your life a living hell. It’s best to keep them in the hopeful unknown until you’re out of reach. The truth is, I shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place.
Jim continued to ask me out over the next year. He came up with all sorts of new activities: hiking, skiing, movies, dinner, BBQ, and the museum. Each time, I had to be quick and clever in my excuse. It was stressful. If I had to go to his floor -to do my job-I would find different routes that would help me avoid his office. I avoided communal areas, and even looked out the window to see where his car was parked so I could wait until he left before I ventured out. When I saw him, I panicked. I literally broke out in a cold sweat, and my heart would race. I was like a frightened rabbit in the crosshairs. The last time Jim asked me out, I came up with yet another “quick and clever.” When I got back to my desk, there was an email from him stating that “this was the last time he was going to ask me out.” He was mad at me and now I was being punished. I burst out laughing in relief and disbelief.
When I saw him, I panicked… I was like a frightened rabbit in the crosshairs.
When I look back at my younger self, as most of us do, I am both embarrassed and angry. Embarrassed by the lack of courage to just say what I really wanted to say, and angry that I had to endure that. Instead of dedicating most of my cognitive effort to thriving in my early career, taking in knowledge and earning my wisdom, I was playing hide and seek like a frightened animal. Instead of being focused on the task at hand, avoiding Jim became my task at hand. I shouldn’t have had to plot evasive maneuvers or craft “quick and clevers” to soften the blow. How dare he.
Women at every level in their career don’t need or want that distraction. And most importantly, they don’t deserve it. I didn’t come to work this morning so you could hit on me. I came to do my job, build my career, and pay the rent. I’m not here for your entertainment.
This isn’t an episode of The Office and she’s not going to be the “Pam” to your “Jim.” That was fantasy and this is real life. In real life, there are now over 1,500 dating Apps for you to choose from. Choose one and bask in the hopeful unknown until someone swipes right.
What's HER Problem? 