I applaud companies who are making an earnest effort to hire and promote more women into leadership positions. It’s a gentle golf clap in recognition of their recognition of the need to change. Org charts that once looked like the membership at Augusta National now have a sprinkling of female faces. And on some rare miraculous occasions, a woman of color even makes an appearance.
What is keeping me from thunderous applause is my suspicion that much of this change is window dressing. The charade gets exposed when women do not meet the expectations of the executive team or board of directors. Often, they don’t really expect these women to lead. They are ok with calling her the boss, but they are definitely not ok when she acts like the boss.
What does it mean to act like the boss? Most days it is a combination of setting priorities, motivating team members, removing obstacles, and communication, communication, communication. Communication can include relaying information, setting clear direction, stating expectations, recognizing good performance and ideas, listening, and yes, the unfortunate chore of giving negative or constructive feedback to an employee to redirect their behavior and/or performance.
They are ok with calling her the boss, but they are definitely not ok when she acts like the boss.
That last bit is tricky but essential if you are going to be an effective leader. Effective leaders don’t ignore poor performance or bad behavior, they recognize it and deal with it because they know it won’t get better over time. The longer poor performance or behavior is allowed to fester, the toxicity gets thicker and your high performers are dragged down and demotivated with resentment and frustration. One bad apple definitely spoils the bunch.
So, from time to time, we should all expect a female boss to redirect one of her employees. It should be no different than what we would expect from a male boss. This is not reality for me or most women I know in leadership positions. For most of my career, it has been a feeling or a hunch that my redirection is received differently by men and also by women.
My hunch was validated when I came upon on a study by Martin Abel of Middlebury College. Mr. Abel is an Assistant Professor of Economics who devised a study to test how people felt about receiving criticism from both female and male supervisors. As I suspected, participants in his study reported feeling a lower job satisfaction after receiving feedback from a female boss. Women’s criticism = madder and sadder.
Mr. Abel discovered that we associate women with giving praise rather than criticism. . https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/theconversation.com/why-female-bosses-get-different-reactions-than-men-when-they-criticize-employees-145970__;!!CjzFQcbp3F2y!yyJjxH4fvaoU3h0FoY1sRN5cym7MyD7f0VW7xkpW4iwVwFA43Wg3My_7-BOgO_Fn0oy5NnkSE7Hk$
I want to know more, and I have a theory that I am certain someone else has already studied, and I’m bound to find it. When I do, I will reference it in this post. I suspect that the reason you feel madder and sadder when I redirect you vs. when my male counterparts do the same, is because you loosely associate women in leadership positions with your mother. Think about it, your mother was most likely the first female leader in your life. You went on to be led by Kindergarten teachers who were probably women as well. The first, though, that was mommy. She was your nurturer, your comforter, your safe haven. (I realize not everyone had this experience with “mommy.”)
…your mother was most likely the first female leader in your life.
If you grew up in an idyllic nuclear family with a mommy and a daddy, you may have gotten used to mommy the comforter and daddy the disciplinarian. “Go to your room and wait until your father gets home,” is a phrase many of us have heard. I suspect most of us feared our fathers far more than our mothers. I know I did. If you carry these expectations into today’s workplace you will be abruptly confronted with a contrasting reality.
Let’s admit, none of us like to be redirected by our boss, male or female. I think it smarts a little bit more when I do it because you feel betrayed. You expected me to envelope you in a verbal hug, and instead you got “The job I asked you to do two weeks ago still isn’t done. I need you to reprioritize and make sure it’s done today.” Ouch! Not only did you not get what you were expecting, you got the opposite. I believe it is the letdown of your expectation in addition to the redirection that makes it more painful.
If your male boss wants to talk to you about something, I bet you brace yourself for the worst. Your expectations are already set so your reactions are either in line with your expectations, or maybe you even feel a sense of relief because “It wasn’t that bad.” You didn’t get the verbal paddle.
I believe it is the letdown of your expectation in addition to the redirection that makes it more painful.
Whether this theory holds merit or is just a bunch of garbage, the reality is, you are still holding me to a different standard than my male peers. The solution suggested to me by some of my past supervisors is for ME to make some adjustments. Soften. Soften my voice, my face, and my words. Apparently, it is up to me to make you feel more comfortable about a woman being your boss.
I have worked for over 20 years in a male-dominated industry and company. If you don’t speak clearly and directly, you will be eaten alive. I learned how to be heard. I cringe when I hear my female peers soften and stammer around on work calls or meetings. They are accomplished, smart, experienced and hard-working women who should hold a wealth of confidence, yet they almost revert to a childlike tone and demeanor in their communication. I do not fault them for this. I understand. They are adjusting to make you more comfortable. Women are minimizing themselves so that you don’t feel threatened.
I am not going to adjust, nor should any other female boss. Employees need to make some adjustments, drop some expectations, and apply a consistent set of rules to men and women. This doesn’t mean I have the right to be abusive. I have seen some women overcorrect and become tyrants. And yes, I would say they were tyrants if they were men as well. Some behaviors are unacceptable regardless if you are a man or a woman. “Men do it all the time” does not justify abusive behavior.
Women are minimizing themselves so that you don’t feel threatened.
I do; however, have the right to speak in declarative sentences, direct your work, set clear expectations, and hold you accountable for your performance and behavior. I am your boss, that is what bosses do.
I recently received some redirection of my own from my male supervisor who informed me that someone complained to him about the way I communicated at a meeting. I asked him “If Tim (one of my male peers) had said the same thing, would anyone have been offended?” To his credit, he paused and said, “I don’t think it would have been an issue.”
Do whatever you need to do to be ok with “her” being your boss and acting like your boss. Close your eyes and imagine a man said it. Engage in self-reflection. Get some training. Do whatever you need to do, because daddy isn’t coming home. Mommy has to do this all by herself.
What's HER Problem? 